Friday, April 27, 2012

stuff real bikers never say


In a world that is filled with colloquialisms, slang, people who can't spell but can text, and who end every sentence with "dude...", by the way "dude..." by itself is a sentence, there are things we never hear true bikers never say. Beware-someone is always listening, we may heard them from your mouth-or mine.
Things never heard at a Harley store-"This sucker has way too much chrome! Wow 58 horsepower? This sucker should haul. Will this seat make my butt look big? Will my butt make this seat look big? Why does the speedo say 120 when the bike only goes 95? My clothing bill last month was still cheaper than my service bill. What-you didn't buy any extra chrome? The prices are so reasonable. I bought this to be an individual just like all the other black Harleys. I do all my own maintenance. We could have put in a new kitchen, but bought the bike instead-the payments are lower. Today I am a real biker! Only cost me $20,000! Loud pipes don't save lives-and I can't hear my radio over them! I was told that anything under 700 pounds wouldn't hold the road. Yeah, $850 sounds about right to replace my drive belt. Hey they could have charged me that much for a service! Hey man, I thought Harleys were loud. Special Editions never sell anyway. You only paid $6000 for the extra paint? I hear they're having a sale! You really use your front brake? This bike has way too much horsepower. Who is this guy Willie G? Check the gas, and fill the oil, please."
Things never heard at a Gold Wing Rally-"That sucker has way too many lights. The factory says that stuffed animals on the back rack save lives. I do all my own maintenance. Did you hear Jake actually cruises at 60mph-in a 55 zone? How can he hear his music? Does this seat make my butt look big? Can we even see your butt? Trailers are for sissies-I know how to pack light with just a duffle bag. Bummer-they discontinued the onboard compressor. Did you borrow my floor jack, I can't find it in my top box? Please turn your bike off, the exhaust noise is waking the dead! I agree, the dealer charges just the right amount for a major service. Yes, $400 to replace my rear tire sounds about right... I hear the dealer is selling them at retail-sounds like a great deal! Oh I didn't hear your bike running, I thought the patch girl was using her new sewing machine-man that's loud! Trikes aren't real motorcycles, I would never spend an extra $40,000 for one...500 watts on stereo, and I still can't hear it a 50mph! Check the gas, see if all my lights are working?"
Things never heard at a dirt bike store-"We added extra weight so it handles better. The parts were free-I paid for the stickers. Sure it's only 10 years old, but will it start on the first kick? You don't want all that suspension, if it bottoms out you're going too fast. Don't put more than 30 pounds of air in the tire-all that extra weight throws off your suspension settings. Bent rims don't affect the handling. Knobbies are the same on dirt as on the street. I don't do my own maintenance. You really don't need more horsepower. I don't ride out of respect for my body anymore. Do those crutches come in yellow? Was the Suzuki sticker extra? What's a nack nack? When does my warranty expire? I hate the sell of racing castor."
Things never heard around a Triumph shop-"my bike never leaks oil. Sure I ride at night-old man Lucas never let me down. I'm a Mod-Rocker boy! I just sold my pickup-no need to have one since I just rebuilt my bike. Should be good for another season. No it's not out of oil, I just didn't fill it up since my wife had the floor painted. I shoulda bought the Ducati for only $8000 more! All the parts falling off my English bike are of the finest British quality. Who's Steve McQueen? Who's Marlon Brando? Triumph-Honda makes them right? Who is this guy John Bloor? This thing has way too much horsepower."
And finally things you should never hear at church. "We only use the Bible as a reference. The books our staff wrote are much better. Yes, this course is better than a Bible study, and only costs $250. and you get a certificate. Accept Christ and do this, and you'll be saved. Yes, you must wear this underwear to be a true believer. Miracles only happened in the Bible. Our translation is the only true Bible. You must wear a dress to our church-over your special underwear, of course. Please don't park too close to the Pastor's Mercedes. We'll be passing out the envelopes so you can keep up with your commitment to give. Uncontrolled children are welcome in the sanctuary. Please make sure you call the pastor His Eminence. And bow...Please no instruments, they detract from the singing. In my opinion...."
Hope you had a good laugh. I know none of you would ever say these things. Just the other guys we know. But I heard them somewhere...I have always found it better to quote God and the Bible. Remember-God says He helps those who help themselves isn't found in scripture. Or Thomas as a doubter. But it is true that Cain was going to kill his brother as long as he was Abel.
I didn't know that? That you can quote me on, dude.
love with compassion,
Mike
matthew25biker.blogspot.com